I'm so tired of my life. I'm so tired of having no real friends. I'm so tired of feeling jealous of other people and the lives they live. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I'm so tired of being scared. I'm so tired of everything.
My life lately has just become this one big drama fest. I'm so over it. I hate my job. I hate school. Everywhere I go I just feel so depressed leaving it. I don't enjoy anything I do.
Theres this guy. We used to be so close. Best friends. And then there was a new girl at work. Now shes the new me. They are so close. Best Friends. And I hate her for it. I hate him for it. He lies to me. Tonight when I told him that I was quitting his exact words were ' oh good now my boy j.d. can get a job ' EXCUSE ME? Screw you buddy. That is no way to treat a friend. I really felt and still feel like crying.
I'm so jealous of everyone who has a perfect life, or a life that seems perfect. I'm just so angry at everyone and everything I just want to drive and drive and drive and never turn back around.
I feel so alone. I have absolutely no one to talk to, so I write letters to the internet. Isn't that pathetic. I have absolutely no one to talk to about anything. I'm so scared that I am going to live my life and end up alone forever.
I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that I will never lose enough weight to be 'pretty' I'm scared that I'm going to die alone. I'm scared that I won't be able to join the military. I'm scared of everything and I hate it.
I'm so tired of my life. I feel like just sitting down and crying. I want to hit someone and I want to hit them hard. I'm so bored in this town, with my 'friends' and my stupid job, and my stupid boss. I hate everything.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A letter to past me.
Hey there,
Let me just start off by telling you... IT GETS BETTER. Stop wishing you would die. Stop praying for yourself to die. God has big plans for you and you can't really do them when you are dead. STOP talking to Joe. Just stop. Stop pining for him, it really is true. He never loved you, and I know right now it hurts so bad to hear that but, you need to hear it. It will make you strong. Don't try to force anything on him. When he tells you 'I never loved you bitch' DON'T talk to him again like you promised yourself. Stop going back to him, because he will make you look like a fool. Even if he is the only one who sees it, you still are a fool in his eyes, and that's enough. Don't give him that note at graduation. It practically ruins your summer. Trust me. And a whole summer without your phone when you are 16 is bad enough but a whole summer with a broken heart is even worse. Don't fight with momma so much. She only wants the best for you. I know it seems like she hates you but she really doesn't. And here in just a few weeks she's going to be going through something so much more than you and Joe. Stop thinking about yourself. Everyone will tell you to stop being selfish and I know for a fact you will think " I am not being selfish " But you really are. Joe hurt you, not your family. Don't take it out on them. Be there for your mom, she really is going to need you to grow up and a get a back bone. Apologize to God. You know for a fact that it is not God's fault. Nothing that happens this year is God's fault. You need to realize that without Him you are nothing. Sadly it took me three more years to understand that. Don't waste those three years. READ YOUR BIBLE. Just do it, it really isn't that hard. I know it sounds like the end of the world to you, but it really is a live savor just waiting for you to reach out and grab it. I'm not trying to be hard on you because I know that is something that you don't need right now but believe me when I say. It does get better. Love yourself for who you are. Don't let Joe or Vivian or any of those people define you. YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Just be patient.And be thankful for the life that you've been given. You are so special, USE IT.
Love,
Future Me.
Let me just start off by telling you... IT GETS BETTER. Stop wishing you would die. Stop praying for yourself to die. God has big plans for you and you can't really do them when you are dead. STOP talking to Joe. Just stop. Stop pining for him, it really is true. He never loved you, and I know right now it hurts so bad to hear that but, you need to hear it. It will make you strong. Don't try to force anything on him. When he tells you 'I never loved you bitch' DON'T talk to him again like you promised yourself. Stop going back to him, because he will make you look like a fool. Even if he is the only one who sees it, you still are a fool in his eyes, and that's enough. Don't give him that note at graduation. It practically ruins your summer. Trust me. And a whole summer without your phone when you are 16 is bad enough but a whole summer with a broken heart is even worse. Don't fight with momma so much. She only wants the best for you. I know it seems like she hates you but she really doesn't. And here in just a few weeks she's going to be going through something so much more than you and Joe. Stop thinking about yourself. Everyone will tell you to stop being selfish and I know for a fact you will think " I am not being selfish " But you really are. Joe hurt you, not your family. Don't take it out on them. Be there for your mom, she really is going to need you to grow up and a get a back bone. Apologize to God. You know for a fact that it is not God's fault. Nothing that happens this year is God's fault. You need to realize that without Him you are nothing. Sadly it took me three more years to understand that. Don't waste those three years. READ YOUR BIBLE. Just do it, it really isn't that hard. I know it sounds like the end of the world to you, but it really is a live savor just waiting for you to reach out and grab it. I'm not trying to be hard on you because I know that is something that you don't need right now but believe me when I say. It does get better. Love yourself for who you are. Don't let Joe or Vivian or any of those people define you. YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Just be patient.And be thankful for the life that you've been given. You are so special, USE IT.
Love,
Future Me.
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