another letter I'll never send

I dont think about you often. But, when I do, I cant stop. I miss you sometimes, well alot of times. And, I cant help but think what life would be like if we had ever fixed things. I imagine that right now I would be talking to you on the phone laughing at the funny things you would say. Or, that I would still have butterflies from the last time I saw you and I would be counting down the hours until the next time. Sometimes, I really just feel lonely and when I feel like I want to talk to someone, you are usually the first person that pops into my head. I wonder when the pain will ever completely stop, or will I always have a little part in my heart that aches for you. Sometimes I think about texting you from a random number just to see how you're doing, but then my heart beats so fast I can barely hear my thoughts. Its amazing how I'm scared to talk to someone that I once spent hours at a time talking to. I wonder who you are now, what things you like, what words do you say. Who your friends are and if you ever think about me. And, every now and then I will write one of these letters just to get feelings like this off my chest. Even though I feel worse after writing them, I write them anyway and naively hope that something good will come out of it. Sometimes I sit and try to remember what it sounded like when you said my name. I wonder if your voice is the same. Probably not. Maybe this isnt even a letter this is just a journal that Im directing at you. Then I think about what you would say if you actually read this. "what an idiot." or " i hate that girl" or "there goes that desperate girl again". then I think about all the nice things you used to say to me. I wonder if you remember our things or stuff we used to say, or plans that we had. I wonder if I will ever see you again. And, what will I do when I do see you. I imagine different things everytime I think about it, but more than likely I will cry or run off before you could see me. So, who knows what the heck this is, I dont even know if any of this makes any sense. I guess its just me.. talking to myself, I dont know.