Helllllloooo Interwebs. What's up? So here is the part of the year when I've gone through something dramatic or I'm bored so I write a blog post. I literally only post on here maybe twice a year but whatever it is good therapy for me... laugh out loud. When I'm sad or lonely something that always makes me feel better is writing it out. Now obviously I'm not writing, I'm typing but its still getting it out of my system so.. WHATEVUHHHHH.
So Rachel, what dramatic thing have you gone through now? You never post unless drama happens.
OHHH thank you. Thank you for noticing my pattern of dramatic posting. What's going on in my life you ask? Well how about you pull up a chair and have a seat and I will tell you.
So my last post was from heavens knows how long ago but in that post I told you about being in love with my best friend. Guess what?! I still am. Thats shocking isn't it? I'm one of those people who constantly remains undecided and when I do decide I almost always change my mind. But, with this one I didn't. I didn't change my mind, I'm still in love with him. Now I'm not saying that I spend my days planning our futures and writing our names in cursive or any of that other bull crap in fact this may be the most sane I have ever remained when dealing with romance. I'm sort of one of those obssesive types. Or I used to be, when I was in highschool I totally was. Who I liked at the time became the center of my universe until I was over it. Now, I am not like that... praise God.. but I think I am finally at a place in my life where I kind of comprehend love. I know what it means to be in love. Its not 'oh my gosh hes so gorgeous and pretty we've never spoken before I love him' << That was my definition of love when I was in highschool.. literally that could probably be an exact quote of something I've said.
But, I finally understand what love is.. not all that crap but understanding someone. I also realize that people all have different definitions of love but for me its understanding how someone works how they function and wanting to be a part of it, it is admiring a person not for their looks but who they are, what they say, how they think, what they feel. Its when you sit down beside someone you haven't seen in months and you look them in the eyes and its different. There is knowledge in your eyes and his, there are quirks that only you know about each other. There are inside jokes, and shared memories.. happy and sad.. there is a trust. A deep trust in that other person and its a trust that you only share with them . Falling in love is when you leave after spending an evening together and you keep looking in your rear view mirror hoping to see that other person. Its when he sits beside you in a booth and shivers instantly race up your spine. Its when you are happy to see someone, and its when you are so sad that it hurts when they are gone. It is constantly wanting to talk to the other person, sharing every aspect of each others lives. Its telling your deepest secrets and still liking each other inspite of things in your past. It is finding someone who understands you, who makes you laugh, who has the same sense of humor, who is your friend, who is kind, and caring, and loved by your family. Someone who is a part of you and who is a piece of your heart. Someone who has the same morals, standards, and beliefs as you. Someone who loves Christ more than he loves himself. Falling in love is realizing that you would rather the other person be happy than yourself and if that means you being alone you learn to cope with it. And falling in love is praying for someone everyday, and asking God to place His loving hand on their heart.
So for once in my life I finally understand what it means to love someone, because I do. I love my best friend, so much.
And, I told him. I told him I loved him.
WHAT?! You, Rachel Edwards, told someone you loved them?!
I did. Because I understood finally that I loved someone and what is the point in keeping that all to myself? If I know that I love someone why shouldn't I tell him? So I did. Now I was literally horrified. I almost puked that is how worked up I became, I sent him a text in the middle of the night and just started crying and shaking. It is seriously terrifying placing yourself out there. Just saying ' Here this is me this is everything that I have hid from everyone for so long. This is what I feel. I am open, look at me. Look at my emotions, understand what I am feeling.' That is HORRIBLE absolutely horrible. I don't understand why anyone would WANT to do that. But I also understand that I had come to a place in my life that if I didn't tell him I would regret it forever.
Does he love me back? I don't know. I don't expect him to. I understand what he is going through. I understand that he is in a very emotional state in his life. Believe me I get it I've gone through it, and honestly I'm still not over it. Growing up it strange, I am not the same person I was when I graduated highschool and I understand that when you close a chapter of your life it is heartbreaking. So I get it, that he isn't emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship. I totally get it, and I can't even be upset about it because honestly I don't even know if I am ready. I do know that I desperately want to be ready. There is nothing more that I want to do than to be a wife and a mother and to have a life outside of school and work. That is my absolute goal for life but obviously right now is not the time to start that chapter of my life, I'm supposed to trust God. Which is so hard. I know God has a plan for my life. There is something that I am supposed to do and I can feel God getting me ready for it, but I also know that I don't want to face whatever it is alone, but it may not be God's will for me to have someone at this time in my life, so I must be patient which is very hard.
I've learned alot about myself through this whole situation. Ever since I went through that horrible time when I was in highschool I have been so scared of spiraling back into that negative place. It was absolutely horrible and I am so thankful to be free from that. I think that is the reason that I am the way that I am. I am so scared of going back to that place that I don't allow myself to feel anything. I build walls and I block people out. So this situation that I put myself in was the first time I had really allowed myself to feel since that horrible time in my life. And it was absolutely petrifying. But I'm so glad I faced it. Right now my heart is a little broken. I said I understand why he can't be with me now but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It does, it hurts a lot. And having a broken heart is one of the most horrible feelings in the world but I am so thankful to be feeling it. My mom told me that she beleives God allows our hearts to break and get cracks in it is so He can fill those cracks with His love. And guess what, I don't need Joe to love me. All I need is God's love, it is nice to have the love of other human beings but it is not something that I need. All I need is God and I am praying everyday that He would just fill me up. Make me into something He can use. I am taking a break from the world, and just trying to focus on my spiritual walk with God. I deleted all of my social apps from my phone and I trying to cleanse myself from the world. Now that doesn't mean I will stay off facebook, twitter, instagram, and foursquare forever because I won't. But right now, I'm trying to leave those things aside to that I can become a better person not only for myself but for God.
I ask that whoever is reading this would pray for me. This is such an emotional time in my life and I am praying that God will use this time I have away from all these social media outlets to turn me into something great.
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