Whats happening?

Why does everything have to change? I feel like I could say I hate you right now. Why do people spend their lives trying to destroy other peoples? What am I supposed to do now? I'm so lost. I need someone to help me. I dont want to get stuck in that hole again.

I think, I love.

I think I love him. I feel like I love him, I have that little scared feeling in my stomach. Like I'm about to go on a rollercoaster. Kind of like what I had with Joe. But, I just feel like why do I let myself fall in love with people and as soon as I realize I am. I have that person taken away. It's not fair. That all these people are always trying to take them away. He was MY friend before he was yours, He like ME before he liked you, YOU lied to me, YOU told me you hated me, and HE took up for me. now you're trying to take him away?? What if I really do love him? 

today

Today I feel just depressed. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. Me, Alaina, Angel, and Joe were on the phone, Alaina and Angel thought that it would be funny to pretend they werent on the phone so they could listen to what me and Joe were saying. So, Alaina said that Angle got disconnected and that she was going to hang up and call her then call us back, so we said ok and bye and then we started talking, well we talked for about 5-6 minutes and then I accidentally called Joe Jordan. Well, then Joe was like 'um no' and he said it in a way like, idk it sounded like he didnt like Jordan so I asked him if he did, and he was like ' I dont really know him' and I said 'He gets on my everloving nerves.' and then alaina pipes up ' OH REALLY NOW?!" and then  all heck broke loose. She told me she hated me I was crying Joe was freaking out, Angel was being quiet but then she was really rude the next day and everything just makes me so stressed out. I just feel betrayed. How can someone sit on the phone and listen to other people talk for like 5 minutes. That is so rude and selfish and uncalled for. What if I had something I really needed to tell just Joe? Well than evesdroppers would have heard it. I'm just sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Alaina and Angel like Joe. Alaina and Angel think Joe likes me. Alaina and Angel threw me under a bus for a boy.That is so mean, and it makes me feel like crying. I can almost promise you that neither of them would marry Joe Shelton, but I can promise you that if they hadn't lied to me we could've been friends forever. I just don't get why someone would want to throw a friendship away. Now, I feel like they are trying to take Joe away from me. I cant stand the thought of losing Joe. He's my best friend in the whole world and if they take him away what am I going to do?

James

When I was in tenth grade, in the middle of the school year there was a new boy at school. I remember the day he came to school, and I remember that I wanted to go to school so badly that day but my sister was sick so i decided to stay home. I went to school the next day and I met James Richardson. 


I know you think this is lame but that day was the day that my life changed forever. That was the day I was introduced to the first boy I would ever love. He was such a great guy. He was hilarious he was sweet he was cute and he was nice to my parents. 


I remember the night I really started liking him. I was working at dairy queen at the time. It was my very first job, and my sister worked there, and I had helped my friend Carlie get a job there. That night I got to work with  Rebecca and Carlie. That only happened once, haha, and we were all having a blast, then I hear somebody say 'Rachel somebody wants to talk to you in the drive through,' I look over and it's James and his dad. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was like 'hey! I didnt know you worked here how are you?!" you know he was really nice, and then Rebecca and Carlie went to talk to him. Rebecca and Carlie both asked me if I liked him and I told them I didnt know. I thought he was cute.


Then the next day at school me and Carlie were walking around and James was like " hey Rachel, I saw you last night! That was some really good ice cream!" and he didnt say a word to Carlie. That was the first time Carlie hadnt stole the scene. It seemed like my whole life I was living in Carlie's shadow, and James talked to ME and not her. Even just that simple thing made me feel so special. 


Then it turned into something more. We were friends but not really good friends. I was too shy to reallly talk to him and he was too shy to talk to me. We went on a school trip together, and I remember my mom telling me that I needed to pray for him and then one night I just broke down and started crying I wanted James to be saved so badly. That's when I knew I loved him.


Its such a strange thing love. And, although it never really worked out with me and James I'm thankful for the experience. He was such a great guy. I just wish that I hadn' t ruined what little chance I had at being with James Richardson.

Today I feel like a lonely cloud. Like the sky is completely empty except for one cloud, and thats me. I'm all alone, and all I have left are the memories of better days. Is that lame? I don't know. Really all of this started when we got a new guy at work, and he looked just like Joe, well he looked like him everywhere but his face. Now, I'm not a freak where I just stare at peoples bodies but I walked past the front and saw him sitting out in the lobby, except I thought it was Joe, not the new guy. He was sitting in a chair, the exact same way Joe used to sit. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. So, when we started to work I was talking to the guy, he talks like Joe, hes about the same height Joe was he has the same elbows, same big feet, same everything. Then it started this annoying thing all over again. I just started thinking about Joe, not like I was longing for him but, I was just thinking about him, and us, and what we used to be, then it turned into longing. I thought, you know, this will pass, its just because I saw that guy, but then I couldnt stop thinking about him. I saw someone I thought was him, and yesterday I had a dream about him. I dont know what this is, probably nothing, probably just missing what I used to have, but here lately I've been missing my Joe alot.

another letter I'll never send

I dont think about you often. But, when I do, I cant stop. I miss you sometimes, well alot of times. And, I cant help but think what life would be like if we had ever fixed things. I imagine that right now I would be talking to you on the phone laughing at the funny things you would say. Or, that I would still have butterflies from the last time I saw you and I would be counting down the hours until the next time. Sometimes, I really just feel lonely and when I feel like I want to talk to someone, you are usually the first person that pops into my head. I wonder when the pain will ever completely stop, or will I always have a little part in my heart that aches for you. Sometimes I think about texting you from a random number just to see how you're doing, but then my heart beats so fast I can barely hear my thoughts. Its amazing how I'm scared to talk to someone that I once spent hours at a time talking to. I wonder who you are now, what things you like, what words do you say. Who your friends are and if you ever think about me. And, every now and then I will write one of these letters just to get feelings like this off my chest. Even though I feel worse after writing them, I write them anyway and naively hope that something good will come out of it. Sometimes I sit and try to remember what it sounded like when you said my name. I wonder if your voice is the same. Probably not. Maybe this isnt even a letter this is just a journal that Im directing at you. Then I think about what you would say if you actually read this. "what an idiot." or " i hate that girl" or "there goes that desperate girl again". then I think about all the nice things you used to say to me. I wonder if you remember our things or stuff we used to say, or plans that we had. I wonder if I will ever see you again. And, what will I do when I do see you. I imagine different things everytime I think about it, but more than likely I will cry or run off before you could see me. So, who knows what the heck this is, I dont even know if any of this makes any sense. I guess its just me.. talking to myself, I dont know. 

Life

Well, now that schools over I figured that it would just be this feeling of distinct freedom in me, at least thats how they make it seem on movies and everything. But, now that schools over, I'm just... bored. I know, isnt that lame?? I'm really nervous about college though. I'm so scared I'm going to show up to school on the first day and my teachers will hate me or they wont think I sing well in choir class, I'm really scared.. haha But, I guess that's what's normal. I dont really know...