What's going on? I'm blogging?

Helllllloooo Interwebs. What's up? So here is the part of the year when I've gone through something dramatic or I'm bored so I write a blog post. I literally only post on here maybe twice a year but whatever it is good therapy for me... laugh out loud. When I'm sad or lonely something that always makes me feel better is writing it out. Now obviously I'm not writing, I'm typing but its still getting it out of my system so.. WHATEVUHHHHH.

So Rachel, what dramatic thing have you gone through now? You never post unless drama happens. 

OHHH thank you. Thank you for noticing my pattern of dramatic posting. What's going on in my life you ask? Well how about you pull up a chair and have a seat and I will tell you. 

So my last post was from heavens knows how long ago but in that post I told you about being in love with my best friend. Guess what?! I still am. Thats shocking isn't it? I'm one of those people who constantly remains undecided and when I do decide I almost always change my mind. But, with this one I didn't. I didn't change my mind, I'm still in love with him. Now I'm not saying that I spend my days planning our futures and writing our names in cursive or any of that other bull crap in fact this may be the most sane I have ever remained when dealing with romance. I'm sort of one of those obssesive types. Or I used to be, when I was in highschool I totally was. Who I liked at the time became the center of my universe until I was over it. Now, I am not like that... praise God.. but I think I am finally at a place in my life where I kind of comprehend love. I know what it means to be in love. Its not 'oh my gosh hes so gorgeous and pretty we've never spoken before I love him' << That was my definition of love when I was in highschool.. literally that could probably be an exact quote of something I've said.

 But, I finally understand what love is.. not all that crap but understanding someone. I also realize that people all have different definitions of love but for me its understanding how someone works how they function and wanting to be a part of it, it is admiring a person not for their looks but who they are, what they say, how they think, what they feel. Its when you sit down beside someone you haven't seen in months and you look them in the eyes and its different. There is knowledge in your eyes and his, there are quirks that only you know about each other. There are inside jokes, and shared memories.. happy and sad.. there is a trust. A deep trust in that other person and its a trust that you only share with them . Falling in love is when you leave after spending an evening together and you keep looking in your rear view mirror hoping to see that other person. Its when he sits beside you in a booth and shivers instantly race up your spine. Its when you are happy to see someone, and its when you are so sad that it hurts when they are gone. It is constantly wanting to talk to the other person, sharing every aspect of each others lives. Its telling your deepest secrets and still liking each other inspite of things in your past. It is finding someone who understands you, who makes you laugh, who has the same sense of humor, who is your friend, who is kind, and caring, and loved by your family. Someone who is a part of you and who is a piece of your heart. Someone who has the same morals, standards, and beliefs as you. Someone who loves Christ more than he loves himself. Falling in love is realizing that you would rather the other person be happy than yourself and if that means you being alone you learn to cope with it. And falling in love is praying for someone everyday, and asking God to place His loving hand on their heart. 

So for once in my life I finally understand what it means to love someone, because I do. I love my best friend, so much. 

And, I told him. I told him I loved him.

WHAT?! You, Rachel Edwards, told someone you loved them?!

I did. Because I understood finally that I loved someone and what is the point in keeping that all to myself? If I know that I love someone why shouldn't I tell him? So I did. Now I was literally horrified. I almost puked that is how worked up I became, I sent him a text in the middle of the night and just started crying and shaking. It is seriously terrifying placing yourself out there. Just saying ' Here this is me this is everything that I have hid from everyone for so long. This is what I feel. I am open, look at me. Look at my emotions, understand what I am feeling.' That is HORRIBLE absolutely horrible. I don't understand why anyone would WANT to do that. But I also understand that I had come to a place in my life that if I didn't tell him I would regret it forever. 

Does he love me back? I don't know. I don't expect him to. I understand what he is going through. I understand that he is in a very emotional state in his life. Believe me I get it I've gone through it, and honestly I'm still not over it. Growing up it strange, I am not the same person I was when I graduated highschool and I understand that when you close a chapter of your life it is heartbreaking. So I get it, that he isn't emotionally or mentally ready for a relationship. I totally get it, and I can't even be upset about it because honestly I don't even know if I am ready. I do know that I desperately want to be ready. There is nothing more that I want to do than to be a wife and a mother and to have a life outside of school and work. That is my absolute goal for life but obviously right now is not the time to start that chapter of my life, I'm supposed to trust God. Which is so hard. I know God has a plan for my life. There is something that I am supposed to do and I can feel God getting me ready for it, but I also know that I don't want to face whatever it is alone, but it may not be God's will for me to have someone at this time in my life, so I must be patient which is very hard.

I've learned alot about myself through this whole situation. Ever since I went through that horrible time when I was in highschool I have been so scared of spiraling back into that negative place. It was absolutely horrible and I am so thankful to be free from that. I think that is the reason that I am the way that I am. I am so scared of going back to that place that I don't allow myself to feel anything. I build walls and I block people out. So this situation that I put myself in was the first time I had really allowed myself to feel since that horrible time in my life. And it was absolutely petrifying. But I'm so glad I faced it. Right now my heart is a little broken. I said I understand why he can't be with me now but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It does, it hurts a lot. And having a broken heart is one of the most horrible feelings in the world but I am so thankful to be feeling it. My mom told me that she beleives God allows our hearts to break and get cracks in it is so He can fill those cracks with His love. And guess what, I don't need Joe to love me. All I need is God's love, it is nice to have the love of other human beings but it is not something that I need. All I need is God and I am praying everyday that He would just fill me up. Make me into something He can use. I am taking a break from the world, and just trying to focus on my spiritual walk with God. I deleted all of my social apps from my phone and I trying to cleanse myself from the world. Now that doesn't mean I will stay off facebook, twitter, instagram, and foursquare forever because I won't. But right now, I'm trying to leave those things aside to that I can become a better person not only for myself but for God.

I ask that whoever is reading this would pray for me. This is such an emotional time in my life and I am praying that God will use this time I have away from all these social media outlets to turn me into something great. 

Hello WORLD :D

Oh my goodness how I have missed you. LOL not really. I'm jk'ing. Anyways, whats going on your way? Me? Well I'm a sophomore in college now. HECK YES. Oh and guess what else I've lost 31 pounds since the last time we talked.. yeah... I'm sexy, also I am singing with a symphony, I'm playing the piano for a childrens choir, I'm observing in a class at a real school for my education course, and I'm in love with my best friend. No biggie.

Yes. I made it through my freshman year even though I thought I couldn't. I know, I'm fabulous. I am now taking EDU 200- Intro to Teaching, HIS 101- Western Civ BIO 101- Biology and MTE6,7,8,9 Math..gag. I absolutely love my Western Civ teacher he is HILARIOUS, and super nice. I just love having a good teacher, it helps you learn better. Math is horrible.. as always. Education is alright, it is kind of self explanitory and there is an annoying girl in there who won't shutup.. but that is beside the point. I actually haven't started the classroom observations yet. I lied. But, I'm going to a school this Thursday to talk to a principal about observing in their school. It's kind of terrifying, I'm really nervous about it.  Biology is meh. I haven't really decided whether I like/dislike it yet. My teacher is the Forever great Mr. Hamed my older sister's love ... hahah she is legit in love with that man. Yeah he is funny but she was obsessed with him.. lol. 

YEAH! I lost 31 pounds. I'm still not telling you my weight but I'm skinny(er) OH GOODNESS. Its so exciting. I am officially wearing two sizes smaller than what I wore in May, and I don't eat bread, noodles, rice, basically anything startchy. 

I am singing with the Symphony of the Mountains! Oh my goodness its so exciting we are singing Beethoven, and it kills my throat but I am excited anyway. I'm in the process of building a resume and that is something great I can put on there. 

I am now playing the piano for the 'pee-wee choir' at my church. Nothing big, but I am still very honored to do it. We are getting ready to have our first program in a couple of weeks. I love playing and singing with the kids, it is a lot of fun.

And, oh my lord. I'm in love with my best friend, which I don't even know how to explain it other than when I think about him and can't stop smiling, I get chills all up and down my arms, whenever we see each other I freak out. I dream about him, but one thing I know is that he probably doesn't love me, and we will probably never be together. But, at least I can finally admit what people have been trying to get me to admit for a couple of years now. 

This is my life. It's kind of exciting. LOL heck it is really exciting, I'm kind of the bomb. I'll keep in touch


Rach

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of my life. I'm so tired of having no real friends. I'm so tired of feeling jealous of other people and the lives they live. I'm so tired of feeling alone. I'm so tired of being scared. I'm so tired of everything.


My life lately has just become this one big drama fest. I'm so over it. I hate my job. I hate school. Everywhere I go I just feel so depressed leaving it. I don't enjoy anything I do. 


Theres this guy. We used to be so close. Best friends. And then there was a new girl at work. Now shes the new me. They are so close. Best Friends. And I hate her for it. I hate him for it. He lies to me. Tonight when I told him that I was quitting his exact words were ' oh good now my boy j.d. can get a job ' EXCUSE ME? Screw you buddy. That is no way to treat a friend. I really felt and still feel like crying.


I'm so jealous of everyone who has a perfect life, or a life that seems perfect. I'm just so angry at everyone and everything I just want to drive and drive and drive and never turn back around.


I feel so alone. I have absolutely no one to talk to, so I write letters to the internet. Isn't that pathetic. I have absolutely no one to talk to about anything. I'm so scared that I am going to live my life and end up alone forever.


I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that I will never lose enough weight to be 'pretty' I'm scared that I'm going to die alone. I'm scared that I won't be able to join the military. I'm scared of everything and I hate it.


I'm so tired of my life. I feel like just sitting down and crying. I want to hit someone and I want to hit them hard. I'm so bored in this town, with my 'friends' and my stupid job, and my stupid boss. I hate everything.

A letter to past me.

Hey there,
Let me just start off by telling you... IT GETS BETTER. Stop wishing you would die. Stop praying for yourself to die. God has big plans for you and you can't really do them when you are dead. STOP talking to Joe. Just stop. Stop pining for him, it really is true. He never loved you, and I know right now it hurts so bad to hear that but, you need to hear it. It will make you strong. Don't try to force anything on him. When he tells you 'I never loved you bitch' DON'T talk to him again like you promised yourself. Stop going back to him, because he will make you look like a fool. Even if he is the only one who sees it, you still are a fool in his eyes, and that's enough. Don't give him that note at graduation. It practically ruins your summer. Trust me. And a whole summer without your phone when you are 16 is bad enough but a whole summer with a broken heart is even worse. Don't fight with momma so much. She only wants the best for you. I know it seems like she hates you but she really doesn't. And here in just a few weeks she's going to be going through something so much more than you and Joe. Stop thinking about yourself. Everyone will tell you to stop being selfish and I know for a fact you will think " I am not being selfish " But you really are. Joe hurt you, not your family. Don't take it out on them. Be there for your mom, she really is going to need you to grow up and a get a back bone. Apologize to God. You know for a fact that it is not God's fault. Nothing that happens this year is God's fault. You need to realize that without Him you are nothing. Sadly it took me three more years to understand that. Don't waste those three years. READ YOUR BIBLE. Just do it, it really isn't that hard. I know it sounds like the end of the world to you, but it really is a live savor just waiting for you to reach out and grab it. I'm not trying to be hard on you because I know that is something that you don't need right  now but believe me when I say. It does get better. Love yourself for who you are. Don't let Joe or Vivian or any of those people define you. YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Just be patient.And be thankful for the life that you've been given. You are so special, USE IT.


Love,
Future Me.

A letter to whoever cares

Dear Innocent person reading this,

All of my friends are all either engaged or in a relationship or just out of one and if you didn’t know it is so strange to see people the same age as you getting married. The whole time I am thinking “ NO! You can’t be getting married! We are the same age. I’m too young! You’re too young! This can’t be happening!” But there it goes right on happening and then it makes me feel bad about myself, and I begin to wonder. Why? Why am I not married, why haven’t I been in a relationship for two years why can’t I find even a decent boy to look at me, and when a decent boy looks at me why am I too shy to say anything to them? I need help I tell you I need help, or a psychologist. Haha. My mom is praying for me to find a husband, my pastor is praying for me to find a husband. I am praying for me to find a husband, and the said thing is, all of these people are praying and I haven’t even had one decent guy walk into my life. Is there something wrong with me? I’ve lost weight. I’m definitely not as fat as I used to be. When I look at that word fat, I just cringe. It makes me want to be sick. I hate the fact that the word fat has become a title. I am guilty I don’t think I have ever right out called someone fat but I think it in my head and that is bad enough. I know people think it about me. I am so sick of being weighed down but one little word.. FAT. Why do we have to be fat or skinny or tall or short?? Why can’t we just we just be HUMAN? I hate titles, I hate judgments and I hate people who think that they are better than everyone else and that they have the right to put someone else down! This world and the people living in it need a wakeup call. GET OVER YOURSELVES. That is all.

Forever your’s,

Rachel Edwards <3 

Dry Face?

This is for all you dry-skinned girls out there (like me).

These two products are AH-MA-ZINNNNG for girls with dry skin. I have always suffered with dry skin, especially in the winter. My face gets really dry right around my nose and on my forehead. This winter has been the worst so far, my skin was so dry it was kind of flakey. So I went out in search of moisturizers. I tried target and it burned my skin, so I got the sensitive skin type and it still burned, I tried taking half an avocado some honey and milk and putting it on my face, and that was just way too time consuming, plus it felt weird. Now I am not a person who will go out and spend more than $50 on makeup and skin products, but for this I splurged and it was SOOOO worth it. They are both Lancome products, I know, you don't have to tell me twice, Lancome can get really pricey, but the quality of their products is amazing. I got a morning cream, and a night toner. 

 Tonique Confort

Comforting Rehydrating Toner

 $25 - 6.8 oz.

 

 

This one smells so good, kind of a floral just clean smell. It feels so nice on my face, if you have dry skin like I do you know what a nice cool liquid can feel like.. amazing. The second I put this on my face my skin felt healthier, it was like giving my face a big glass of water. It literally just takes a small dot the size of a dime I just put it on a cosmetic sponge and work it all over my face. It cools and hydrates and leaves your face feeling fresh.

 

 

 

Bienfait Multi-Vital SPF 30 Cream

High Potency Daily Moisturizing Cream

Vitamin Enriched UVA/UVB SPF 30 Sunscreen

 $45 - 1.7 oz.

 

This is the one I use in the morning. It has built in sunscreen which is great. I usually put it on before I put my makeup on. It is not a soothing as the other cream but it works really well. Of course in the morning my face is nowhere near as dried out as it is a night so it doesn't need much. I just dab a little pinch onto a cosmetic sponge and lather is all over my face and it cools and hydrates it before I put all my makeup on. 

Both of these are great purchases, they are kind of pricey , but I think that they are totally worth it. For just about 80 dollars you have a nice moisturizers for your face.

Idk??

 What happens when you fall in love with someone who you are 'just friends' with. For lack of a better word this feeling that I have can only be called love.. or infatuation. I feel love toward many people but for you I get this excitement. I want it to happen so badly, and every time you text me my heart just about beats out of my chest. But when I see you I don't think you feel the same. So, I kinda love you. I think you kinda love me.

We should just let this happen.